The Art of Not Letting People Walk All Over You: A Boundaries Field Guide

From the desk of Adams Mental Health

Written by Mya L. Adams M. Ed. LPC-S, C-DBT

Let's talk about boundaries—those magical invisible lines that supposedly keep us sane and our relationships healthy. If you're reading this thinking, "Great, another article telling me to 'just set boundaries' like it's as easy as setting a dinner table," I hear you. Setting boundaries isn't exactly something they taught us in school (right after "How to Do Taxes 101" and "Why Didn't Anyone Warn Me About Adulting?").

The truth is, most of us learned about boundaries the hard way—by not having them and ending up feeling like human doormats. But here's the thing: boundaries aren't about becoming the relationship police or turning into someone who says "no" to everything. They're about figuring out how to take care of yourself without needing a therapy session after every family dinner.

The Three-Part Boundary Toolkit (No Assembly Required)

Think of boundary-setting like having three different tools in your relationship toolbox. You wouldn't use a hammer to fix a leaky faucet (well, maybe you would, but your plumber wouldn't recommend it). Same goes for boundaries—different situations call for different approaches.

1. Personal Boundaries: The "I'm Outta Here" Strategy

These are the things YOU do to protect your sanity, regardless of what chaos is happening around you. Think of it as your personal escape hatch.

Real-world example: "I remove myself from situations when people start screaming or name-calling."

Translation: When Uncle Bob starts his annual holiday rant and begins calling people names, you don't try to reason with him or fix the situation. You grab your coat, say "I'm going to step out for some air," and actually do it. Your mental health will thank you, even if Uncle Bob thinks you're being "too sensitive."

2. Rules: The "My House, MyRules" Approach

Rules are your non-negotiables about behavior in your space. They're like the terms and conditions of interacting with you.

Real-world example: "No smoking in my car."

Translation: This isn't up for debate, negotiation, or a democratic vote. It's your car, your lungs, your rules. You don't need to justify it with a Power Point presentation about secondhand smoke—"Nope, not in my car" is a complete sentence.

3. Standards: The "Quality Control" for Your Inner Circle

Standards are about who gets VIP access to your heart and vulnerability. They're like a job description for the role of "Important Person in My Life."

Real-world example: "I only build intimate relationships with people who respect privacy, handle conflict maturely, and genuinely care about my wellbeing."

Translation: This means you're not settling for someone who shares your deepest secrets at parties or responds to every disagreement by giving you the silent treatment for three days.

Making the Switch: It's Going to Be Weird at First

Here's what nobody tells you about setting boundaries: it's awkward as hell, especially at first. You might feel guilty, selfish, or like you're being "mean." Spoiler alert: you're not being mean—you're being a functional adult.

What It Looks Like in Real Life

Week 1 of boundary-setting: You leave a toxic conversation for the first time. You feel proud but also slightly nauseous. Did you just abandon ship? Are you a quitter? (Answer: No, you're learning.)

Week 3: Your friend tries the same old guilt trip that usually works. You don't bite. They seem confused, like their remote control stopped working. You feel slightly guilty but also... lighter?

Month 2: People start adjusting to the new you. Some respect your boundaries immediately (keep these people). Others test them like toddlers testing whether the stove is really hot (patience required). A few might throw tantrums (this says more about them than you).

Starting Small: The Training Wheels Approach

You don't have to become a boundary-setting superhero overnight. Start with something manageable:

• Practice the Silent Exit from conversations that drain you (just slip away quietly—no explanation tour required)

• Put your phone on "Do Not Disturb" after a certain time (your text messages can survive until morning)

• Say "Let me check my schedule and get back to you" instead of immediately saying yes to requests (shocking revelation: you're allowed to think before committing)

For the People on the Receiving End

If you're someone who's dealing with a friend or family member who's suddenly "gotten all boundaried up," here's the thing: they're not trying to punish you or become difficult. They're trying to have healthier relationships, which—plot twist—actually benefits everyone.

Yes, it might feel jarring when someone who used to say yes to everything suddenly starts saying no. But think about it: would you rather have a relationship with someone who genuinely wants to be there, or someone who's secretly resentful but too scared to speak up?

The Reality Check

Setting boundaries isn't about building walls or becoming antisocial. It's about creating space for your authentic self to exist without constantly bracing for impact. Some people will love the more authentic version of you. Others might not—and that's actually useful information.

Remember: You're not responsible for other people's feelings about your boundaries, but you are responsible for your own wellbeing. It's not selfish to take care of yourself—it's necessary.

And if all else fails, remember that even your smartphone has boundaries (ever try to charge it with a toaster cord?). If your phone can have standards, so can you.

If you're finding it tough to navigate these changes—whether you're setting boundaries or adjusting to someone else's—that's completely normal. Sometimes having a neutral space to sort through these shifts can be incredibly helpful. We're here when you're ready to talk.

With Support,

Mya L. Adams M.Ed., LPC-S, C-DBT

Adams Mental Health

Where your mind matters!